Sunday, July 1, 2018

Why write a journal , a diary?

 A personal journal is a record of significant experiences. It is much more personal than a diary. It contains feelings, emotions, problems, and self-assurances and can be used to evaluate one's life. For a journal, one does not just record one's experiences but also thoughts, feelings and reflections.
 IA diary  is a place where you record events, experiences and other personal things that interest you. You can write about whatever you like, free of outside judgment or criticism. It should be an extension of your mind: safe and free. A diary can be whatever you decide and should be a place where you can be honest.
Why do people  read  what others want to keep private?
I have no one to talk with, plus I like to know what happened today,  in case that I forget tomorrow. If someone accuses me of doing something, I can look it up.I have a right to my personal feelings, who/what I like or don't like.
This is my blog, my feelings, if no one likes it, tough, stop reading! Stop judging me.
I have three biological daughters and two boys. I have 2 step daughters,  11 biological grandkids and 4 step-grankids, 2 biological great-grandkids, 1 step-geat-granddaughter.
No one calls me, I know that I have been a good mother and grandma. In my heart I know I have done nothing bad to any of them. It hurts, when they don't call me, because I can't be controlled and do or say what I feel.. I like living at peace no drama. People can live any way they want.
I may  be old in age, but I'm not senile. I have survived it all,no one has ever helped me. My  husband helps me now, after years of hell, He is bi-polar, has compulsive behavior, a recovering addict, now trying to stop drinking alcohol,  He is a wonderful man,but I need someone to talk with, so I  write blogs. I had a private personal journal in my laptop, but someone read it, and was upset because I wrote it. I am an author, but I never wrote  very personal stuff on line until now. If they want to read it, they can now. I love them dearly, especially my oldest granddaughter, but my feelings are mine. No one can judge me for what I honestly feel.  
Right now, I am hurting and they don't realize , no matter what anyone thinks, they are my life, and I miss them. I call them, but they are always busy!
Many people are in my same situation and I want them to know that they are not alone. We have to keep surviving for us. Old age is not the end, I feel it's the beginning of the end, make it a nice ending, start now. It's hard, but we don't have a choice, make the best of it live life, enjoy what's left.

Wednesday, June 27, 2018

Lost in beliefs

I am lost in faith!

I grew up  as a Catholic, Both my grandmothers were spiritualists who had healing powers, and other powers. They were both very powerful women. They were both  Catholics. I grew up believing in God, Jesus, Mary, adoring statues, the bible, Adam and Eve being the first people and other readings in the bible.
Growing up I saw and felt many strange things, yet no one explained them to me. I began to feel different about my religion, when the Pope made all the churches remove the statues. Priests shouting at people and throwing out people who were too  poor to dress  up. I stopped going to church.
I grew older and decided to visit different religions. The Ministers Pastors, religious leaders embarrassed their congregation. I then believed that my home was my church.
I never realized that I had psychic powers until I began to feel and do strange things. I spoke to the wind, I healed people when they were sick or hurt. I saw ghosts, I began to read the Spanish cards, I knew what was going to happen in the future. I realized that when I got angry I hurt people, I made them fall, my curses were realized, I unwillingly astral traveled, people saw me when I astral  traveled to them. I did many strange thing. I thought that I was going crazy, I spoke to priests,  pastors, ministers, psychiatrists, and they all assured me that I wasn't crazy. I was given a very powerful gift. I then felt at ease. I was or am a spiritualist. Then I was introduced to Santeria. I remember going to a Santeria  party for St. Barbara and was possessed by her spirit. I didn't know what was going on until I felt floating off the ground  with a sword, dancing and healing  people. I later found out I was her favorite child! St. Barbara's Santeria name is Chango. My head Saint was Elegua meaning God. This was all new to me, but I did not  want to be baptized in that religion. There are other Saints in Santeria.
I remember being told that St. Lucia,is the healer of the eyes, St.Lazarus is healer of the sick, and many others. I also discovered many others powers that I have. Before my Maternal Grandma died, she advised me that whenever I felt something cold it was good, but when I felt hot it was bad.
One day I remember that my paternal grandma went to visit me,it was strange, because she give her strength because she was too old and needed me to help her.  My parents were surprised and my aunt volunteered to help her. Grandma said the only one strong enough to help her was me. Again I felt floating on air and speaking like her dead mother. I was  possessed by grandmas mother whom I never knew,and grandma's question was answered. Before grandma Adelina died she finally told me that  I not only had physic powers. but being the oldest granddaughter on both sides of the family, I had inherited both of my grandmother's powers. It was my turn to protect the family. I was flabbergasted, I didn't want such a big responsibility! But I had to do it.
Later on I discovered I could summons the four elements, and am a witch.  I also discovered the Ganesha and the Budahs.I have unlimited powers, yet my most important prayers have not been answered. 
I have hearing problems, my vision is 30/20 and cannot see clearly with left eye, I can't walk due to imbalance, herniated disc, back and knee problems. I need to pay my credit cards, buy a new bed, and make necessary repairs to my home. I have been asking, I had faith.. I stopped asking the Santeria Saints because I don't want to get into too many things.  I had a dream with St Barbara, then St. Lucie came into my mind. I am confused, I don't know who to pray to. I pray to God,but in my heart I know there is a Goddess. I know that the Elements exist.and Father Triton exist.
Let it be known that I don't adore statues or pictures, they are symbols that I place on my Altars to know  who I am praying to, like the cross.
I am lost I am asking them to guide me. Shall I pray to all?

Sunday, March 25, 2018

Are you giving up? Coping with Stress?

Coping with stress

Friday I went to Supermarket, I decided to walk with walker. I was  riding my power chair and felt like walking to do some exercising. I traded with husband who was using his walker. I walked three long blocks, going to supermarket and then  walked three blocks home.  I felt a pain on the right side of my chest, it came and went. We arrived home, and pain subsided. That night I felt the pain again and the unrelenting noise in my ears. I drank 2 Bayer aspirins and tried to sleep. I didn’t know whether it was gas, my cholesterol, blood pressure, thyroids, or sugar. I meditated, slept on and off. I woke up the next day with no pains, thank Gods. I had a wonderful day. No pains. Today I woke up  no pains and all felt good. Someone  pissed me off, I got so angry, that I wanted to scream and throw everything around me and breaking it. I wanted to slam someone bad, and break his/her neck.  I started to cry and began to feel out of breath. All of a sudden I couldn’t cry and felt weird, no feelings of wanting to cry. It must have been my guardians, pacifying me. I then decided to go on my face book page, and vent. 
My blood pressure went up, and while watching TV again the  mild chest pain. At the moment I don’t know what and how I feel, what I am going to do besides write what I have experienced.  Pain gone for now. I feel exhausted, weak, like giving up.
OK here is what I live through every day. I have a problems understanding people,  yet I hear horrible high noises. Doctors can't find the reason. My right vision is cloudy because of Glaucoma  have 20/30 vision, I have pre-Diabetes, lazy Thyroid that made me overweight, Cholesterol, Herniated disc, hence my walking in pain, I can't hardly walk, bad knees due to Auto accident Oct 10, 2017, I just had a Hysterectomy January 11, 2018. Then I have persons who stress me out.  
Will I give up? At the moment I want to! I am not a quitter, so NO I won’t give up!
You are not alone people! Maybe you have bigger problems, NEVER GIVE UP! SURVIVE!

Saturday, February 3, 2018

Life: They will never stop until they die

Life: They will never stop until they die: I hate alcoholics, drug addicts, Rapists, Child Molesters. Yes, I hate them! Many  they are sick, make excuses for them. Unless you are, or ...

They will never stop until they die

I hate alcoholics, drug addicts, Rapists, Child Molesters. Yes, I hate them! Many  they are sick, make excuses for them. Unless you are, or have been their victim, you will never understand, the torture. No matter how much you try, you cannot forget. It is a constant reminder. One tries to live,  but these people have destroyed one’s life, one’s peaceful sleep, relationships! They will never stop, unless they are willing, have strong will-power. The only way they stop is when they die! The victims are finally free! Alcoholics and drug addicts make their family drug and/or alcohol dependents. It’s hard to leave these alcoholics/addicts because friends and family don’t believe. They don’t want to get involved, Therefore abandoning the victims.  Many times the family, or spouse think that it will stop, or they are blind o the fact that it’s never going to stop. Then we have those who look for ways to get away, but wherever they go, the doors are closed and they have no choice but to pray for it to end or death! There are also those who give money alcohol or drugs secretly, not thinking or caring about the harm that they are causing. “Oh one more or a little bit won’t hurt.” They say! Not thinking one more can and will kill someone! The are men and women who are good when clean, but very weak. They can fool the best of us.
Many have mental problems, and they rush to drugs or alcohol.
Alcoholics, drug addicts,  child molesters and rapists are terminal people, they  are worse than cancer, Leukemia, and other terminal diseases. Once a person gets these diseases, death is the only way out! They never suffer ever again, the victims are free, the family, spouse and kids are free to live their own lives! That is my believe.
I have been there!

Any  questions? Need to vent, need to chat or write to anyone about this? I will be here to hel you until I make a new website. Feel free to tell me or anyone how you feel!

Friday, July 21, 2017

One more drink won't hurt, Co-dependents

One more drink won't hurt. I Hear that all the time! The last time that my first husband said this, it  didn't only hurt him, it killed him.  My late brother said the same thing,his live busted and he died. So many say the same thing. Their families don't believe,and when the inevitable happens, they have no one to blame but themselves. A person who is taking medicine, who has compulsive behavior, is bi-polar,was a drug addict. has hepatitis C,  cannot drink at all. Especially if they become violent. Siblings have to understand, that making their relative happy, does not mean, that they can give him everything he wants!
Only the person who lives with the alcoholic, knows what is going on.
The alcoholic can be the perfect  husband, person when he is sober but once he mixes alcohol and medicine, the brain had bad reactions, and someone will get hurt.
I will continue on this subject to better inform those who don't yet realize what alcoholics, and/or substance abusers can do. Families become Co-dependents.

MINERVA is lost

Chapter one
                 July 21, 2017, 10:59 AM

I looked in front of me, and I saw a brick wall.  I then looked around, and the wall was around me, enveloping me! For the first time in my life I have felt vulnerable, unable to go anywhere, do anything, think! I looked around, my back began to hurt, a rocking chair appeared and I sat down. I kept looking around, there was nothing but the brick wall, no door, no way to get out. I was not afraid, just could not think! I wanted to scream, but I was too numb to scream! I then realized I was at a zone where I didn’t know what to do, how will I get out of here, when will I get out of here, will I ever get out? Will I find a way out? Is there a way out? I have no feelings! I just want to…… I don’t know what I want…..
This my readers is the beginning of my unknown zone! Keep reading you will find out! Maybe…….

 Chapter 2

Still numb, I close my eyes, trying to find out how I got here! I look around, I’m going to start from the beginning. The wall turns into a screen. I see a young pregnant woman, named Julin,  giving birth at midnight to a beautiful baby girl. Three days later  the baby’s father appeared ordering the young woman to go home with him.
Julin went back to her mother  days later, not wanting to go back to the baby’s father.
 Julin’s mother had planned to send her  to New York City. There was an accident and the baby’s father lost his leg. Julin was obligated to stay with the man, who gave her a hard life.
Year after, the  couple got married, the little girl grew up with her grandmother who had maids and spoiled the little girl.
 The couple had three  more boys and had a normal life, a nice house and also gave the little girl everything that she needed. .
The screen now changed:
The little girls happiness ended when her grandmother  took her to NYC, then was obligated to leave her with her parents in NYC. Living in  a furnished room, and  a life she did not know, the little girl was very sad, especially not living with the grandma whom she adored.
The scenery changed and Julin and Artier moved to an apartment. One night, the little girl was awakened by something moving over her feet, it was a mouse! Artier went to sleep with the little girl to make her feel safe. I saw Artier moving his penis around the little girls behind.  The little girl was surprised and whispered. “Please Daddy, stop that!”
“Shh baby I won’t hurt you. I will give you two dollars if you let me” Artier whispered.
“No daddy, stop please!” Replied the little girl crying.
Artier stopped and said. “ What a I doing? This is my daughter. Please forgive me!”
Artier turned around and fell asleep. The little girl couldn’t sleep that night, she did not tell her mother because no one would believe her.
Now the screen changes and I see Julin and the two younger boys hitting the little girl. The older boys goes in, sees his other and brothers on top of his sister hitting her, takes the younger boy throws him over the bed rail, grabs the little girl and runs outside. Julin wanted to punish the little girl. “Anytime the boys get punished she has to be punished too.” Julin said. “I never wanted to have girls.”
On the next chapter you will read more!
There is a book published titled RUTH MINERVA, it tells all and more!